11 March 2011

School of Rock

Ian,
The scenario portrayed in School of Rock is not a plausible career option.
Just because [spoilers] Jack Black, masquerading as his roommate, entered into a contract with a flashy private school as a substitute all-subjects teacher, and taught them instead about rock and roll music, eventually getting caught, and, realistically, creating his own after-school rock music program after kidnapping children on a bus to perform at a local battle of the bands, DOESN'T MEAN that you are smart enough to pull this off.
I KNOW you don't actually want to kidnap children or steal the identity of Fabio to infiltrate the private school system; you ARE above that! There are a lot of problems with this plan. No, no, I KNOW it's just an idea. Just let me finish!
Fine, you know what, you can do all the talking. Is that what you want?

Go ahead. I'm waiting.





Okay. I'll take your silence as a go-ahead for my point. As I was saying, you can't play guitar. In fact, despite the fact that you are competent enough to play just about everything else doesn't mean that you can teach it. The kids in that movie are about four times better at their instruments than you, and THEY'RE ONLY TEN (note to reader: the previous line may only be funny to people who have watched School of Rock on TBS twice in a row. But they mention the fact that the lead guitarist of the School of Rock, Zach Mooneyham, is only ten like seventy times. SEVENTY). I'm rambling. Secondly, no children are as well-behaved as the children in that fucking movie. You know that. You KNOW that. You worked with children for like, what, twenty years?
You know what? Do you even really like Joan Cusack? Yeah, Addams Family Values is an adored and cherished household tradition dating back to your very youth, but have you ever liked her in anything else? Be honest. Thank you.
And you know what else? Progressive commercials ARE too frequent in the duration of movies on TBS. We at least agree on THAT point. That red lipstick BITCH isn't just completely intolerable; she's also a simple bully. Just like ZACH'S DAD. I mean the way she taunts you with those guys in giant dollar bill costumes is just like Zach's dad telling him that music should be practiced only after math homework, and that rock and roll music shouldn't be practiced at all! IT'S A PERFECT ANALOGY. Listen, Zach's dad. Listen close, and listen hard: just because you found a way to sneak Tron into your FUCKING commercial doesn't mean I'm going to buy your FUCKING insurance. How did an insurance salesman get to send his son to a $15,000-a-year private school anyway? You're a fraud, just like Jack Black. In a different, more socially acceptable way. But you're still just a fraud.
Here's another point: School of Rock is just Rock and Roll High School if it was directed by post-2000 Adam Sandler. And, by the way, JANICE, post-2000 Adam Sandler HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY AND I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE IT WHEN I WAS 14. And don't pretend you remember that anyway because you didn't RUIN MY CHILDHOOD and meet Dad until I was 15. Stop pretending you're my mother. You're just married to Dad. I HAVE A MOM. HER NAME IS SHERRILL. NOT JANNIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCEEEE. Your shoulderpads look STUUUUUPPPIIIIIDDD and your "parenting" skills are A JOKE.
Even after this little pep talk, Ian, I know you're still weighing the options of teaching children about the Sex Pistols and whether or not their parents will be upset about this. They will. But I'll leave the decision to you. I know that kids can be a lot of fun and that you love nothing in the world more than the rock-roll music, but combining the two can have disasterous consequences. Just look at Jack Black. What's he doing these days? I haven't heard from him since that critical failure Kung Fu Panda. Have you heard from him since them? Hmm? You haven't, have you? He might be dead, Ian. Is that what you want?
Just think about that.

3 comments:

Jacob said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
samtron77e said...

I hate the Progressive insurance commercials.

I also hate that insurance commercials in general exist only to get your attention (cavemen, ducks, etc). I know, I know, all commercials exist to do that, but I think for a product as dry and numerically-oriented as insurance it's especially absurd. There is one and only one quality I care about with my insurance: how much I'll have to pay per month. It should be the most straightforward product in the world. I don't care how funny your ad agency is -- or, in the case of Progressive, how uncomfortably unfunny and empty.

Ian Credible said...

I like the Allstate guy. I'd buy ANYTHING from him.